Recently I haven’t been as proactive as normal. I have been tweeting disturbing comments on Twitter and generally making a misery of myself.
I do not suffer with clinical depression in anyway, but I do get down and emotional drained. There are days, I sure we all have, when things seem not to be working, life is tougher than normal, smiling is a bit of an effort and being agreeable is tricky. I am there at the moment.
Friends and family, fans and colleagues are keen to remind me that I have much to live for or to be proud of. The children, the videos, podcasts, the past achievements and so on. Yes that is of course true. These lovely people also can tell you there is always someone else worse off than you and naturally that is very true. I don’t think I have forgotten that nor misunderstood that fact. And while all of that is true it doesn’t immediate make me lift up from my misery and leap out of bed to determine to carry on. (I do that anyway, in spite of feeling low!)
The demon I struggle with most is knowing how to proceed. I am aware that I am getting older and my career hasn’t started. I know many people in television land who have had a illustrious career by now and have left the industry at my age. I have old friends, people I grew up with, who are in the business, getting on and doing great things. I am not really in contact with them now or have the same things in common any more, but I look at them and I cannot help feeling jealous, resentful and even envious that they have had such a success and I am still here in the fringes, unable to get in.
That is life of course and I am not stupid enough not to realize that. It is just damn frustrating.
But what is more frustrating is when many of my fans, viewers, listeners and friends and family agree that I have something, should be working within the television/film making industry, should be making more videos like the Bald Explorer, should be allowed to hone my skills, but that I cannot find anyway to achieve that.
If I were totally crap at something, as I am at speaking languages, football, opera, etc then naturally I would soon loose interested, move on to something else and find a new career. I often wish I was crap at entertainment, film making and so on because then I could move on.
The stuck in the mud situation also begins to make me question my abilities and start to question how good I am and whether I ought move on and stack shelves for a living.
That said, I am looking forward to bouncing back – but it does seem more difficult these days.
It will happen and I will get there. I am not feeling sorry for myself, just frustrated at not being able to work in the chosen field and one I could contribute in and make a difference.
Okay, time to move forward!