Did I say being 50? What? You mean, half a century? Is that old?
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel any different from when I was in my teens. I do feel more mature, sensible, responsible. I also feel I can be stupid, sensibly and responsibly – I don’t think I do that before. I may not be able to run a marathon, but then I didn’t ever try or want to before, so that hasn’t changed.
I have lost an eye, but that could have happened at any age.
So why, do I feel that I have to question who I am, and what I have achieved now that I have reached this midlife point?
I shall tell you why. It is every time I see some one of my age being interviewed on TV about their life and the things they have done. They are generally successful, or have been successful and made a bit of money and do not have to worry about where the next penny is coming from. Then, rather stupidly (I know it is my own fault) I hold a mirror up and ask, ‘And what have I done then?’
I have done a lot of things; I have trained in mime, laid professionally on a bed of nails, eaten fire, walked on stilts, written and directed – and starred in – a children’s television programme on one of the three main terrestrial channels, I have performed a stand up gig, traveled around the UK, paddled a coracle on the River Severn, made documentaries about British heritage and had them broadcast on TV. I have bought loads of books on British history and read at least 65% of them. I have written a book, scripts, podcast a 30 minute radio type show nearly every day for 9 years – over 3000 recordings, had an article published…
I had a good marriage for 14 years and best of all, I have three amazing children who I love very dearly and would do anything to keep happy.
But, I don’t any cash, have no fixed profession, can’t seem to achieve my goals, am jinx by the industry whose medium I love and lack a hell of a lot of confidence.
That said (the negatives), I am very tenacious, stubborn and assiduous – I wont stop trying and will continue to plod along.
For me – being 50 is merely a time check. I am here now, but I have places to go. I am not going to stop trying new things and make myself better at what I can do. I would love to have done a lot more comedy, more TV shows, written plenty more books and read the classics as well as contemporary fiction.
Fingers crossed, there is still time.