I know every one thinks its necessary to always post happy and positive things on the Internet and make out that life is great and fantastic. But life is not like that for anyone. My friends and colleagues lives are certainly not like that even if they post only positive expressions on Twitter or talk about themselves in the third person. Life deals us all duff cards from time to time.
My continual battle is with my self doubt and loathing of my work. I just think I am crap. Yet in spite of this I feel I have to try harder and do better and keep going. There is nothing else I can or have the desire to do. I can’t stop myself. I just wish I could be good at something in my life and be up beat and positive all the time like all the other twitter people pretending that life is a bed of roses.
Encouraged to go into the video entertainment business again after four years of eye trouble and many years attempting to convince TV executives that I might have something and then failing big time is not easy. You put yourself on the line the minute you release stuff online. Of course you can’t please the people all the time, but I seem to struggle pleasing myself some of the time. It all seems good and jolly at first and then when I look back, its just crap. Its not what other people are making, there is no niche for it, few get to see anything and nothing catches on. Take for example the podcast, nearly six years later and I have the same audience I started with, no producers, talent scouts or professional agents interested or offers of mainstream work. It is frustrating and confusing all at the same time.
Some how you have to rise above it all, do all the jobs yourself and rope in loyal and trusty friends, and convince them to believe in you and see if the next project will work. I just feel I am letting them down, myself down and my audience down too.
Of course I will carry on and keep trying. Something has got to stick, or something I do has surely got to be fairly ok sooner or later and lead to something, that is just the law of averages. But on occasions I just feel I am crap and that’s the way I am feeling now.
I do not apologise for being honest. I don’t see the point of lying to the audience and putting a positive spin on everything, because we all know life if not like that!